Movie review: Magic Mike XXL

Photo courtesy of Rotten Tomatoes

Back in 2012, when word spread that a Channing Tatum stripper movie was coming out, people ran to theaters expecting two-ish hours of hot, sweaty, but most importantly, lighthearted fantasy. What they got was a Steven Soderbergh movie obsessed with the seedy and degrading details of using one’s body for money.

Despite Magic Mike being super depressing for a movie featuring Tatum humping a stage to the tune of Ginuwine’s “Pony,” it was still a big enough hit to warrant a sequel. Magic Mike XXL is what everyone expected its predecessor to be, and it is above all a crowdpleaser.

More specifically, this movie is all about female pleasure. The movie is without question the story of Tatum and his stripper buds, but XXL knows who its main fanbase is.

The plot of Magic Mike XXL is patently ridiculous — the boys drag Mike out of his furniture studio for one last thong-filled excursion — and really, the plot is not what matters here. This movie wants to be nothing more than a fun and sexy diversion, and in that it succeeds admirably. I mean, when two of the main characters are named Big Dick Richie and Tarzan, you need a film that matches the expectations those names set.

Freed of lofty aspirations, the movie buzzes along at about the same laid-back pace as its heroes’ journey to a stripper convention in Myrtle Beach. The gang makes some memorable stops along the way at a convenience store, a southern mansion populated with middle-aged divorcees and their daughters, and a cross between a nightclub and an organized orgy ran by Jada Pinkett Smith. It’s at these locations that XXL’s mission is clear: this one’s for the ladies.

At the gas station, Joe Manganiello as the aforementioned “Big Dick” puts on a bottled water and Cheetos-filled show just to make the girl behind the counter smile. He does considerably more than that for Andie MacDowell at the wine-soaked mansion, while Matt Bomer reminds her unhappily married friend that she deserves to have sex with the lights on. And Smith’s business is basically a fantasy come to life, each dimly-lit room featuring one gorgeous man after another dancing and singing to the women’s content.

Smith is a standout in a cast full of beefcake, and she clearly relishes running the show. Her stint as emcee for the “male entertainers” is a lesson in suggestive line readings, and the guys wouldn’t even be eligible to perform without her. As a bonus, she brings Donald Glover and Stephen “Twitch” Boss of So You Think You Can Dance fame to the convention with her. (You get the impression that Boss was cast in part so Tatum could have someone to dance with.)

The convention performance is the perfect way to end the movie. Every guy gets a chance to shine, and it’s almost adorable at how thrilled they are to each have a showcase. It really is one of the happiest, most positive movies about sex and sexuality I’ve ever seen. Magic Mike XXL is the perfect summer blockbuster: shallow on the surface, but fun and funny with plenty of eye candy and a sneaky theme of female empowerment.

Movie review: Inside Out

Photo courtesy of Rotten Tomatoes

Pixar movies are known for throwing in a dash of existential crisis into their colorful, kid-friendly worlds, but Inside Out goes for full-on psychological probing. The french fry forests and goofball islands of a young girl’s mind disintegrate before your eyes. The 11-year-old heroine runs away from home on a San Francisco public bus. And Sadness is literally a main character.

There are, of course, enough adorable characters and whimsical jokes to keep the kids happy, but watching Inside Out as an adult was a bracing experience. Judging from the tears in her eyes when the theater lights went up, my movie date and fellow twenty-something would agree.

The movie is about 11-year-old Riley, but more specifically, about Riley’s emotions. There are five of them — Joy, Sadness, Disgust, Anger and Fear — and they take cute ‘toon form in Riley’s wonderfully imagined headspace. Joy, having gotten into Riley’s head first, is the emotions’ leader, and she strikes a weird balance between positive force and wrecking ball. Everyone thinks she’s the one keeping Riley’s brain running, but it’s Joy’s meddling that causes her person’s mind to literally start crumbling into the abyss.

Joy and Sadness get sucked out of “headquarters,” where the emotions run the show, and spend the rest of the movie trying to get back there. Along the way they visit long-term memory, abstract thought, the subconscious and imagination, thinking all the while that the solution to Riley’s problem is bringing Joy back into her head. Sadness is chopped liver until Joy realizes Riley needs both of them to get back to normal.

Amy Poehler and Phyllis Smith (aka Phyllis from The Office) carry the movie with their voice work. As Joy, Poehler captures the spirit of that one friend who’s a morning person and smiles at strangers on the bus with hints of steel behind her cheerful lilt. After all, it takes a lot of work to be happy all the time. And Smith plays Sadness as a mixture of anxiousness, listlessness and just a slight bit of hopefulness.

There is plenty of signature Pixar wit in the movie’s dialogue and visuals (there’s a dream factory that’s run like a film production company, complete with Vertigo parody posters) that Inside Out doesn’t get bogged down by its heavy message. In fact, the combination of happy and sad elements in the movie echo its message — that happiness can’t exist without pain, or fear, or any of the negative emotions that take over when Joy takes an accidental vacation.

Inside Out is an unconventional coming-of-age movie because Riley doesn’t grow up because of experiences with friends or a boy. Her mind grows up, and the film tells us that this means learning memories and experiences can have more than one emotion attached to them. I could hear some of the kids in my theater protest when Joy allowed Sadness to touch Riley’s “core” memories, staining them a melancholy blue over Joy’s sunny yellow. They were too young to understand that memories change and some become sad as you grow up, and part of me wondered why it has to be that way.

See, this is what watching Pixar movies does to you when you’re in your twenties and don’t know what you’re doing with your life. I can’t wait to see how The Good Dinosaur causes me to ponder the fragile existence of the Earth.

Stray observations: Game of Thrones season 5, episode 10

As you can probably tell from the timing of my previous recaps, I do not watch Game of Thrones on Sunday when it airs. Even when my mom doesn’t accidentally tell me that Shireen died, it’s really hard to avoid spoilers. Thanks to the headlines that filled my newsfeed this morning, I know Jon Snow is supposedly dead.

The good news is my boyfriend, who read the books, already spoiled this one for me a while ago and told me that Jon maybe-probably-isn’t-actually-dead. So barring Benioff and Weiss changing up the script again, I am semi-confident I won’t end up submerged in the pits of despair like I did last week. With that said, time to test my theory…

• I am using my boyfriend’s super-fancy headphones to listen to the show this week, and the theme song sounds so impressive right now.
• HA Stannis’ men deserted him
• Probably should have seen Selyse hanging herself coming. I was hoping they might follow up on the Greek mythology reference and have Selyse kill Stannis, but I’d honestly rather Brienne have that honor.
• Well of course Jon is going to die if he’s going to let Samwise Gamgee go off to wizarding school and leave him with no friends at Castle Black.
• Podrick runs funny.
• OH MY GOD do not abandon Sansa ugggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
• I am already taking back what I said about the pits of despair this episode is an absolute slog at 15 minutes in. I don’t even care what happens to anyone on either side of the fight at Winterfell because they all massively suck.
• And now I don’t even care that Brienne killed Stannis because she ditched out on Sansa by way of a horribly yet hilariously contrived candle plot gone wrong.
• DING DONG THE WENCH IS DEAD
• Finally Theon is actually good for something.
• Well we got the Meryn Trant business out of the way quickly.
• I was waiting for something terrible to happen the whole time Jaime was with Myrcella and LO AND BEHOLD HERE IT IS WHO’S SURPRISED NO ONE
• Jorah is totally going to greyscale Daario the first chance he gets.
• AHHHHHHH VARYS MY LOVE YOU FINALLY LEFT VOLANTIS
• Ok so these scary dudes on horses surrounding Daenerys are Dothraki riders, correct?
• I bet Lena Headey is glad she has a Cersei wig right now. Also she is braaaave.
• Game of Thrones taking walk of shame to a whole other level
• Obviously I know that Cersei is evil and all that but that was so hard to watch. Also Nun Ratched was getting way too much enjoyment out of that.
• Ok sooooo that wasn’t very a very ambiguous death scene…
• This season has been such a slog. It’s like the Order of the Phoenix of the series, and they just killed Sirius. I’m not going to get all angry and say I’m never watching the show again, but honestly this is no fun at all. Season six better have some Half Blood Prince in it.

Stray observations: Game of Thrones season 5, episode 9

Funny story: My mom went on vacation with my aunt this week. She called on Sunday to let me know how it was going and told me she’s watching Game of Thrones in her hotel room. She’d never watched the show before then, so I asked her what she thought. She said, “Well they already killed two people. One of them was a little girl!”

And that’s how I found out Shireen is going to die.

THANKS, MOM. (P.s. loves ya!)

So I’ve been putting off watching this episode because I don’t want to see Davos’s reading teacher and the most adorable greyscale victim ever be killed by the fire-breathing witch (presumably). But the season is almost over, and I gotta toughen up. Time to plunge into certain misery!

• I hate the way Ramsay says “20 good men” so much
• Are we supposed to assume Melisandre has fire running through her veins and that’s why she can stand around in the snow without even throwing a coat over her usual getup?
• Setting a horse on fire: that’s one way to start the show.
• I know this scene of the Wildlings coming through Castle Black is super serious and all, but how funny does Jon Snow look with all the fake snow gathering on his head?
• I can’t even bear to watch this scene with Davos and Shireen. “For teaching me to be a grownup.” WAAAAAHHHHHHHH TAKE HER WITH YOU DAVOS
• Ok I get that Ellaria is upset that Oberyn died, but he did volunteer to fight for Tyrion so technically she has nothing to be mad about…
• But truly after all this misery in the North it’s good to have a little fun in Dorne. Especially when Bronn is making quips about pie.
• EWWWWWWWWWWW do not talk about Arya’s clam, street rat!
• OMG can I pause to point out that the man greeting Mace Tyrell to Braavos is Mycroft Holmes?!?!?! Lol of course you don’t partake in the wine, such a tightwad, Mycroft.
• Mace Tyrell is so embarrassing in so many ways. How did he manage to bring human tigress Margaery into the world?
• As if Meryn Trant weren’t disgusting enough.
• I’m sorry, but I don’t buy that Stannis would kill Shireen for this after all he did to save her from the greyscale. Unless we’re supposed to think Stannis has gone mad, it just doesn’t make sense.
• Dear god why.
• I hope Stannis and Selyse and Melisandre all die horrible painful deaths because that was just about the worst thing I’ve seen done on this show.
• And all those soldiers just standing by and watching?? Where is Jon Snow’s arrow of mercy?!
• I hate that they’re the only army coming for the Boltons because I still hate them so much. Maybe Sansa, Brienne and Pod could take down the Boltons from the inside and Stannis’s stupid army can be buried in snow.
• “My father would have liked you.” I wonder if Hizdahr zo Loraq knows Tyrion killed his father…
• I might be in mourning right now, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t notice Dany’s amaze diamond dragon collar.
• And now we get to watch the Sons of the Harpy slaughter everyone in the stadium. THIS EPISODE IS SO MESSED UP.
• Took you long enough, Drogon!
• Ok the triumphant dragon ride was a preeeety awesome way to end the episode. But they still killed Shireen. Not even Drogon could drag me up from the pits of despair.
• End credit of the week: Weapons master. How does one become qualified for such a job?
• If Sansa actually dies in the finale I will actually be done with this show.

Pretty Little Liars recap: Season 6, episode 2

The #RunawayDolls are escaped from the Dollhouse and returned to the slightly less menacing town of Rosewood, but they are so scarred from the experience they barely talk to each other this episode. Of course, after dealing with various parents and love interests and mysterious runaways in blonde wigs, in the end our girls join each other in what seemed to be the first four-way call since Mean Girls. Color me relieved because there is some serious sleuthing to do, but before then, let’s give out some awards for “Songs of Innocence.”

• Best parent ever: Ashley Marin wins this award this week and every week. Hanna rips off her gorgeous wallpaper and burns her mattress in the front yard because her room is now the stuff of nightmares. Ashley and Caleb are equally concerned but equally supportive, because they know that Hanna knows what Hanna means. Come to think of it, Caleb wins best boyfriend award this week and every week. I know Spencer would agree with me.
• Favorite pairing: I love anytime Spencer and Alison have scenes together, and not just because Troian Bellisario and Sasha Pieterse are amazing actors. These two have such a crazy, intertwined history together that every time they share the screen has an edge to it. Speaking of an edge, Spencer is jonesing for some anti-anxiety pills, but Mama Hastings says no. Please, show, do not start another after-school-special plot about Spencer’s drug addiction unless it leads to another noir fever-dream episode.
• Least necessary character: Go home, Lorenzo, and take your little hamburgers with you. Honestly, Alison is too smart to fall for the crap this fully-grown man is spouting, and I’m insulted even by the implication that she is somehow charmed by him.
• Most traumatized: So it turns out the Liars were forced to torture each other in a more personalized version of the Milgram experiments, which explains the tension between them this week. But they were down there for roughly three weeks. Poor Sara Harvey and her poor wig were trapped for two years. Emily sympathizes and takes her in after she runs away AGAIN because the first time worked out so well for her.
• Hastings’ award for jumping to conclusions: Aria is so convinced that Andrew is Charles that she lies to the police about seeing him. Knowing the show, Andrew is most likely only vaguely connected to the A mystery, but the touch about his “Feminization of Society” manifesto was a very clever nod to the show’s views on the patriarchy. Plus anyone who besmirches the name of Vanderjesus deserves to be behind bars.
• Most memorable outfit: Aria wins again for her combo of graffiti/tribal print midi dress, moth-eaten denim jacket and gym shoes. Nothing says “I’m trustworthy” like wearing an outfit that reflects the troubled state of your mind to the police station.
• Line of the week: “Ali, I’m going to say this in the most delicate way I can. YOUR FATHER’S A LIAR.” The thing is, that was the most delicate way Spencer could say that.
• ABC Family hashtag of the week: #AriasLittleLie, because that was not a little lie, people.

Click here for a preview of next week’s episode, “Songs of Experience.”

Stray observations: The Bachelorette season 11 episode 4

The Bachelorette is really testing my patience, guys. I mainly watch the show to delight in stupid human tricks and the endless stream of contestants convinced they can find a life partner over the course of roughly 8 weeks. The show is not supposed to get bogged down by former contestants crashing the party. I expect a certain dash of crazy like the kind a Tony or a Clint provides, but this “twist” the show has forced on us with Nick took up a gross amount of time and made everyone quite pouty and no fun to watch. Plus now we will presumably be forced to look at Nick’s rat face until fantasy suite week. At least we got rid of Clint at the beginning of the episode…

• …which brought us the gift of JJ slapping himself in the face. I couldn’t have imagined a better way for him to solidify his identity as the American Psycho of The Bachelorette. However, JJ was disappointingly subdued for the rest of the episode. I guess he sensed his villain throne was about to be usurped.
• Also, the “fight” between JJ and Clint reminded me of The Room.
• Joey, on JJ’s tears: “Relieve the wetness.” I did not ask her to elaborate.
• Here we are, four weeks in, and guys are still popping up out of the woodwork. Joey tells me I know who Corey is, but I don’t believe her.
• This episode is full of bad hair, but Justin’s pre-slickback middle-part wins the rose for worst and most reminiscent of Nick Carter circa 1999.
• Kaitlyn’s hometown date for Chris last season was taking him to a recording studio and forcing him to rap. I should have known she would insist on furthering the secondhand embarrassment by forcing her suitors to do the same on a group date.
• Ben Z. says the worst that could happen during the rap battle is he could make a fool out of himself on national TV. You did that when you signed up for the show, dear.
• Of course JJ wears my least favorite article of clothing on men, salmon pants, to the boat date.
• Speaking of shameful clothing, I think I bought Kaitlyn’s boat date sweater at Rue 21 in seventh grade.
• I really was so exhausted by this Nick business that I want to avoid talking about him. Let me just say that I 100% agree with Tanner’s assessment of Nick and his “distasteful” behavior on Andi’s season. Some other words I would use are GROSS and CREEP and WHAT IS ACTUALLY WRONG WITH YOU.
• And can I point out that the hour-long will-she-won’t-she about Kaitlyn inviting Nick on the show is beyond unnecessary because everyone has watched the season preview and put it together that he stays. Just because we watch this show doesn’t mean we’re stupid; it just means we make stupid TV choices.
• Like Amy Schumer before her, the return of Ashley S., actual goddess, slightly redeems this episode. Her incredulous, “But that’s lust,” when Kaitlyn describes her chemistry with Nick proves she was always too good for this show.
• I could hardly pay attention to the second half of the show after Nick-gate, but I did observe: watching adults perform Disney plays is endlessly silly; Joshua punches hay bales when he’s mad; and Chris has gone from charming to alarmingly sincere.
• The elevator man’s expression when Nick gets on describes all my feelings about this episode.
• Next week, on The Bachelorette: A rose ceremony at the end of the show or so help me God.

Pretty Little Liars recap: Season 6, Episode 1

I love Pretty Little Liars unashamedly. I wrote about the show while I was at Vox Magazine, and you can check out those recaps by going to my writing page. Last night was the show’s season six premiere, and I decided I’m going to carry on my recaps and dole out my own fake awards to each episode, starting with “Game On, Charles.”

Most ambiguous torture methods: The Liars are finally let in from outside, only to be gassed and wake up under hospital sheets, presumably naked. Ummmm excuse me but WHY ARE THEY NAKED?? Then Mona mouths off to the A camera, which was apparently a huge mistake. They all trudge back and, after exchanging significant looks, enter their rooms to some truly disturbing screams. When they’re released three weeks later dressed as their 14-year-old selves, they all agree to not talk about what happened because of course they do. This is allegedly the summer of answers, so we better get the answer to this mystery by next episode.

Most successful espionage mission: Allison, Ezra and Caleb actually managed, through no doing of their own, to find Charles’ lair and save the Liars. Watching this, I was thinking to myself that the show should stop pretending our heroes have any chance of their plans succeeding when suddenly Ali was saved by default by Spencer’s pyromania. Moreover, Spencer’s extremely foolhardly “LIGHT ALL THE THINGS ON FIRE” escape method really worked! I’m so proud of my paranoid Nancy Drew for finally devising a plan that achieved the desired result. (On a related note, are we really supposed to accept that Ezra is just part of the team now and everyone accepts that he is a fully grown adult/teacher who stalked teenage girls for years? Welllllllll I don’t #NEVERFORGET)

Accomplishment in film references: How dare Charles throw our savior Mona Vanderjesus in a Silence of the Lambs hole?!? PLL has been so not subtle with its past Hitchcock references that I fully expected Charles’ dog to show up and for Mona to lure that dog down into the hole with her. Now that the Liars pulled Mona out, we’re left to see if they’ll ever truly let her into their circle. Fingers crossed!

“Why should I care?” award: Wearing the infamous yellow tank top, some rando we’re told we learned about in season two or something emerges with the Liars from the underground lair. I’m just going to hope this Sara Harvey is a vital piece of the A puzzle because right now all I smell is red herring.

Most memorable outfit: I’m tweaking this to most memorable hair this week, because Aria’s pink streaks were a hilarious reminder of what a little Hot Topic “punk” she used to be.

Line of the week: “I’d lick the sweat off a jockstrap.” Emily, demonstrating how truly desperate she is for water.

ABC Family hashtag of the week: #RunawayDolls. I love how they’re acting like this is an actual phrase people have used.

 Click here for a preview of next week’s episode, “Songs of Innocence”.

Stray observations: The Bachelorette season 11, episode 3

• I am really going to have to protest the show if it keeps denying us rose ceremonies at the end of the episode. This week starts off by forcing us to endure at least 10 more minutes of Kupah madness before we even get to see two other (practically nameless, faceless) suitors eliminated at the regular ceremony. Couldn’t they have cut out some blurry shots of sumo wrestling butts this week so we could end this episode with Chris Harrison announcing to everyone who can’t count that there is only one rose left??
• “Tonight is rose ceremony…the second.” Oh Joshua, I could have guessed from right then that you learned about the birds and the bees by watching the cows on your family’s farm.
• Tony misses his bonsai trees 😦
• Kaitlyn not eliminating Tony in the rose ceremony is solid proof that the producers make Bachelorettes/Bachelors keep people around because they’re good TV.
• Hahahahha I didn’t realize they make these poor guys sleep in bunk beds
• JJ is throwing off strong 13-year-old boy vibes with his hoodie bangs.
• Kaitlyn continues with her superb choice of group dates (Tony disagrees) by forcing the guys to sumo wrestle and therefore show off their junk to America.
• Tony’s leg tattoo looks like gangrene.
• LOL I love that when Tony says there are multiple sides of him the editor cut immediately to a shot of his backside. I’m sure all the people who work on this show do is laugh and laugh and laugh…
• I would have given the sumo wrestler a rose over any of the guys, personally. At least he has a proven talent.
• At least Tony has some skewed idea of dignity and removed himself from the competition. And I enjoyed some chuckles about his alternate group date idea: going to the zoo and having an elephant noise-making contest. I will now be scouting for Tony at the St. Louis Zoo. I will probably find him swimming with the sea lions, because he has the heart of a child.
• Clint immediately takes Tony’s place as resident weirdo, but instead of harmless weirdo we get scary weirdo. I am siding with cynicism on the matter of Clint’s apparent feelings for JJ and believe he is grabbing screentime in a bid to be cast as a sadistic hunk on American Horror Story: Hotel.
• My friend Joey’s reactions to Kaitlyn and Ben’s one-on-one date: “No…no…”; “Chris Harrison is the devil!”; “That was the worst 45 minutes of my life.”
• Ben, on the bathroom snakes: “That was a legitimate anaconda.” Sweetie, no.
• My boyfriend Dan was so enthralled by my last Bachelorette recap that he (sort of) watched with us this week. He didn’t say much but did chime in to ask if the school they went to on the second group date was in a trailer park.
• He also didn’t get that the kids in the sex-ed class were child actors and was concerned they were too young for the guys to be teaching them about torpedo tampons and whatnot.
• That being said, I love that the guys were free to say whatever in front of these children and then later were censored by the network before being shown to a mostly adult audience.
• The rose ceremony sparkly dress count is now up to three (I’m just assuming the first rose ceremony dress was sparkly. It’s definitely her comfort zone.)
• “Villains gotta vil’.” – a sentence that was actually said by Clint
• I am so sad this episode ended before Kaitlyn could call out Clint, because she actually seemed ready to throw down on him. I appreciate that she actually listened when the guys warned her about Clint, even though she seemingly ignored the part about JJ, which brings us to…
• …next week on The Bachelorette: JJ slapping himself in the face! #PATRICKBATEMAN

Stray observations: Game of Thrones season 5, episode 8

Guessing from the photos I’ve been seeing from this week’s episode, this episode is going to be heavy on Jon Snow’s trip to Zombieland; therefore, I’m not super stoked to watch this episode. But hey, there’s bound to be some Cersei comeuppance to look forward to!

• I like that they put Sophie Turner and Maisie Williams’ names next to each other in the credits. At least the Stark girls can be reunited somehow.
• Daenerys is so clearly out of her league when it comes to ruling Westeros she can’t even hold a poker face for Tyrion when he tells her so.
• Jorah can’t be that surprised Tyrion told Dany to kick him out of Meereen. Like you had your road buddy moments, but you still kidnapped him soooo…
• It took Arya’s fake identity sequence for me to realize we haven’t seen her smile all season. The Starks all have perma-pouts. Although because one of them lives in Philosopher’s Prison, one is married to the worst human ever, one is stuck in below-zero Walking Dead and two were just kicked off the show for a season. I guess I understand.
• So the House of Black and White is basically a house full of Dexter Morgans?
• “I will not kneel before a barefooted commoner…” This is why everyone hates you, Cersei.
• UGH OUT OF MY SIGHT, REEK.
• The actor who plays Roose Bolton is so good at being evil yet totally nonchalant about his evilness.
• “The brother who killed my father?” “That’s the one.” The Lannisters are all about the patricide, Dany.
• You break that wheel, girl!
• Sam sayingthat Jon always comes back has me convinced Jon’s never coming back.
• Why do all the Wildlings look like they’re roughly the same age?
• You know something bad’s about to happen when all the animals start freaking out.
• 10 bucks says the Wildling woman who just sent off her adorable Wildling daughters is first to die.
• Is it wrong that the battle sequences, which I know are supposed to be the most exciting part of the show, are the most boring to me? This is probably why I didn’t get why people were complaining nothing happened in the first four episodes this season. I’m more riveted by plotting and maneuvering than fighting an army of the undead. Which is why I’m a dork.
• Tormund’s battle noises remind me of tennis players grunting during matches.
• Giant-stomps: There’s more than one way to kill a White Walker
• I think the White Walker that Jon Snow kills was trained in water-dancing by Syrio Forel.
• King White Walker looks like Voldemort with a nose.
• WHAT WHY DOES WILDLING LADY LET THE BABY WHITE WALKERS JUST EAT HER
• How do the White Walkers have White Walker horses?
• Loling at the end gesture from King White Walker. He’s like, “Do somethin’ ’bout it, Jon Snow.”
• Hilarious end credit(s) of the week: The fact that the prosthetic crew is like 1,000 strong.

Game of Thrones: Stray observations for season 5, episode 7

Let’s see if GoT can redeem itself with this episode…

• I can’t handle all this Tim Riggins sadness in the True Detective trailer
• Ugh do they really have to show Sansa being raped again in the “Previously On GoT?” THE NORTH REMEMBERS AND SO DO I OK HBO????
• Normally when I see we’re at The Wall I prepare for boredom, but these close ups of journey preparations are gorgeous. If only they had shot one of Jon Snow’s world-famous curls.
• The more shots they have of Jon Snow’s squire the more I’m convinced he is plotting Jon Snow’s downfall.
• Ahhhhhh the bruises on Sansa’s arms 😦 and I think this is the first time we’ve ever seen her without her hair all done up.
• HIDE THE CANDLE, REEK/THEON
• Oh great now they’ve killed Maester Aemon too, although I suppose he was older than Albus Dumbledore
• If Maester Aemon is a Targaryen won’t he not burn in the fire? Or is that just Daenerys?
• Ewewewewewww shutup Ramsay
• I know Theon has endured unthinkable horrors and all that but YOU JUST HAD TO SUCK AT LIFE AGAIN REEK
• This is probably the first and only time I’ll agree with Stannis over Davos about anything
• I mean I knew they’ve been setting up Shireen to be in danger all season but if they kill her I will die on the inside
• UGH REALLY LEAVE GILLY ALONE don’t they know she is Cassie from Skins and amazing?? Wow.
• The level of awfulness the show has piled on in the first 25 minutes is truly impressive.
• “Oh my!” – Samwell Tarly ahahahahahaaaahahahahaaa that’s adorable
• I shouldn’t be laughing at Tyrion beating up his captor but I so am
• Mr. High Sparrow could give Littlefinger a run for his money in climbing the power ladder
• Poor lil’ Tommen. Where’s Ser Pounce when you need him?
• Lol btw the amount of words underlined in red because of everyone’s crazy names is a laugh and a half
• BRONN, TOO?!?! I CAN’T DEAL WITH THIS
• Oh so that was just Manic Pixie Dorne Girl’s way of flirting, obvi
• Jorah’s all nervous like he’s about to go to his ex’s wedding instead of a fight to the death
• Definitely got slight chills when Tyrion introduced himself to Dany
• Natalie Dormer actually looks like a tiger about to maul Cersei
• HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I knew Cersei was barking up the wrong tree with Mr. Sparrow
• I think we all really needed to see Cersei thrown into jail
• Hilarious end credit of the episode: “Wardrobe Mistress (Dragon)”